Letters to Edward
by CinnamonKitty
Summary: This takes place during the time of "New Moon" after Edward leaves. Bella starts writing him letters as a way to cope.
1. Chapter 1

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Dear Edward,

It's been a week now since you've left, and I still can't believe you are gone. I just keep waiting for this nightmare to end and yet every day starts and finishes without you here. How did this come to be? A week ago I was reluctantly celebrating my birthday with you and now my life is over because IT'S over. You are all I wanted, all I needed. I know I didn't deserve you, but somehow we still belonged together and I allowed myself to feel that joy.

I keep remembering your good-bye, your distance, your detachment, and finally your revision of our love. Is this real? Is this really happening?

Last night I took a two-hour shower, just trying to wake up.

All around me life already is going on, people are acting as if all is the same, when EVERYTHING is different. I went back to school today and all I saw was the shadow of you and what we had.

Tonight I couldn't take another quiet night with Charlie in the front of the TV and escaped to my room early. I am restless and pacing and keep looking out my window, hoping you are just outside.

I finally decided to finally write you. Somehow I feel closer to you, here, even if it means feeling my pain. When I hurt, I keep you with me for a little longer. I didn't think I could stand it, but I am starting to feel afraid of when I won't feel the pain...afraid of resignation to your absence.

Where are you, Edward? When are you coming back to me, my love?

Bella


	2. Chapter 2

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Dear Edward,

I dreamed of you last night. We were in our meadow and the sun was shining down so brightly. All I could see was your shimmering sparkles. I woke up abruptly to the sound of thunder and rain pouring down. I sat in my rocking chair and just watched the water pool outside. Are you near? Somehow I imagine you watching the storm with me, sitting quietly, our hands entwined, and even though it is cold and wet, the never-ending torrent does not bother me. I am warm inside just being near you. You sparkle even in the dark.

Charlie is waking up now, muttering to himself and hoping I am sleeping. He raced up here two nights ago when I woke up screaming and since then has been hyper-vigilant about my rest. Last night I walked in on him on a secret phone call to Renee; they were wondering if I should move to Florida. I stared at him and mouthed the words "please don't" and he delayed the plan.

Doesn't he understand that no matter where I go I will hurt, that no matter where I go I am lost because you are not with me? At least here I see you in the memories and places of times past. They keep me closer to you, remembering and wishing.

Where are you, Edward? Why are you gone? Time is passing, time we could be together.

Missing you,

Bella


	3. Chapter 3

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Dear Edward,

I am listening to Eva Cassidy today and her melancholy voice expresses how I feel. "I will be waiting, Time after Time." I am waiting, wondering, and still hoping you will come back.

Angela has been calling me today, wanting me for a sleep-over and to help babysit her little brothers while her parents are out of town. It's such a normal request, simple and straightforward. I've put her off for now. I don't know how to act normal, how to return to life as YOU believe it SHOULD be for me. Is this why you left? So I can have sleep-overs with friends? I am not making fun of Angela, I envy her ease with life and its predictability and value her goodness. She is the last one at school to keep trying with me, everyone else is starting to ignore me completely. They think I don't notice because I'm "half dead" as Jessica was saying behind my back. If they only knew…I am half-dead. How do I feel angry with them for naming exactly how I feel? It is no secret. I am going to pieces without you here.

I don't know what my life was before you. When I met you my life veered a completely new direction and the journeys I traveled before seem remote and far away; it is as if I became alive the moment our eyes met and when you declared yourself to me.

Renee sent me a book about co-dependency this week, thinking it would help me get over you, as if THAT was the issue. How little she really knows.

Interdependency, devotion, true love…are something very different…something we had for a time.

Please be careful, Edward, wherever you are. You are not the only one who can worry.

I will be waiting,

Bella


	4. Chapter 4

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Dear Edward,

I walked to school today, the sun was shining and bright. In the heat of the day it almost seemed like Phoenix. I sat outside at lunch, alone, in a new spot I found behind the gym. It was such a relief not to pretend and to not overhear comments about me.

I warmed myself in the sun and escaped in my worn copy of Wuthering Heights. I do not feel like "Catherine", but you do seem to be my "Heathcliff." Will we only reunite in my death?

A small kitten found its way to me, mewing and crying. It appeared abandoned, and I pet it and cried with it, my tears soaking its soft fur. I could relate to it all too well. I cut the rest of my classes for the afternoon and walked home with it tucked in my shirt. I snuck in the house and made a soft box for it in my closet. It really is too little and vulnerable to be alone and without its mother. It was a good distraction for me. I spent time heating milk up and bottle-feeding it, wondering what I will do with it.

I eventually decided to tell Charlie about it, and he seemed overly eager and excited that I was taking an interest in SOMETHING. He volunteered to drive up to the market and buy various things a cat will need, not really taking in how young the kitten was. It snuggled tight against me and seemed happiest when I tucked it inside my zippered sweatshirt next to my heart. We fell asleep early, taking comfort in each other's warmth and company.

I dreamed of you…again. You were peering through my window. I saw you and tried to get to you in time to implore you to stay, calling your name over and over, but before I knew it you had vanished through the forest. I woke up with a start, jumped up, and ran over to my bedroom window, searching the surrounding forest. Although it was just a dream, somehow the forest seemed particularly sinister and foreboding in the dark of this night. Are you alright, Edward?

I returned to the company of my little kitten and lay awake for several hours, quietly watching the first rays of a new day emerge. A soft drizzle of rain pattered outside the window and I took some deep breaths to get a hold of myself and get through another day.

The kitten has been so sweet, but a poor substitute for what I really want and need….YOU.

Please come home.

Love,

Bella


	5. Chapter 5

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Dear Edward,

I am going on a trip to Florida over a long weekend. Renee has been begging me to come and I finally consented, not quite sure that if I didn't, she and Charlie wouldn't begin discussing sending me there to live again. I can't bear the thought of leaving Forks, it just seems right to wait here.

I still have the tickets Carlisle and Esme gave me, for you and me to visit. This should be OUR trip, but instead I will be alone.

I am sad to leave my new little kitten. She has become quite a friend to me, following me around the house and seeking every opportunity to sit on my lap or be held. She thinks I am her mother. I have named her "Carrot" in reference to her bright orange coloring. Charlie has promised to take good care of her, though, and even is forgoing his weekly fishing trip to stay home and cat-sit. Of course all of this is to make sure I actually go to Florida.

I had the thought today of being dropped off at the airport and instead of getting on my Florida flight, actually going somewhere else, anywhere else and just disappearing. The thought of Renee, Charlie and little Carrot keep me grounded, literally, as I know I've already caused enough concern, and I know I wanted to return here, just in case you do.

I started packing tonight and ran across an old jacket you left here, buried deep within the recesses of my messy closet. I felt a secret sense of satisfaction and excitement that you missed removing it when you collected all other traces of yourself. I grabbed it and hugged it tight, smelling it incessantly, grateful I was alone and no one could see my apparent insanity. There was still a hint of your smell, and it brought a new onslaught of tears. I was so grateful I could smell you, touch you. You were real again, today, not just a distant dream. I curled up in bed and hugged it tight against my body, continuing to inhale the faint traces it contained.

I am thinking of you, Edward. Even if you think I will forget…that somehow you have made a "clean break" for me, I am here. Still waiting.

Bella


	6. Chapter 6

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to "Twilight".

Dear Edward,

I am here at the airport in Seattle waiting to board my plane for Jacksonville. I wanted to write you right away in order to include you in this trip. I have your jacket packed in my suitcase. It has become a "security blanket" for me, such that I can't sleep at night unless it is with me. Perhaps this shows how desperate I am…that a mere physical object you happened to once own makes such a difference to me?

I am feeling angry with you today, Edward. It seems I spend most of my time crying over you, feeling sad, lost and alone, but today I just feel mad. As I sit here I can start to feel the anger consume me all over again. Earlier I retreated to the airport bathroom and turned on several sink faucets to cover the sound of my smacking the bathroom walls. I hit my hands so hard over and over again that finally I drew blood. I took perverse pleasure in staring this blood down, not washing it off, perhaps just daring you or someone to smell it and find me. This is by far the most foolish thing I have done. I don't care about the promise I made you about not hurting myself! Why should I honor a promise to you? YOU LEFT ME.

I see Charlie chomping at the bit to express his anger about you to me. It is a forbidden subject. Last night I overheard him talking about me to Billy on the phone, and they were plotting to have me and Jacob get together. I do like Jacob a lot, and when I get back from this trip, maybe I'll spend some time with him. What do you think of that, Edward?

I'm on the plane now. I am drinking Coca-Cola to stay awake. The last thing I want to do is fall asleep here and wake up screaming with an audience underfoot. Believe me, with the anger and upset I feel today, it's almost guaranteed that will happen.

My hands really hurt. They still are stinging. I did wash them with soap and water, but didn't have any band-aids to cover them. I did my best to tuck them into my pockets in order to not draw attention. They might scar.

I am bored out of mind, it's a long flight. My anger is fading and now I just want YOU. I amused myself by indulging in a very dangerous past-time….daydreaming of you. I imagined us back at school, going to class, hanging out, being together, and having things go back to normal, finally. I don't even dream of something special or extraordinary occurring, just being with you is the dream.

A Mike Newton look-alike is trying to flirt with me across the aisle. I am silly enough today to actually enjoy the attention. I even gave him my phone number at Renee's. Maybe I'll get together with him. Ok, I admit it, it was a fake number, but I hoped you felt a momentary sense of unease. But should you? You don't want me. I am just foolish. I am the only one wanting and waiting. You are my dream, my Greek God, and I am a mere slip of a girl who briefly had her prince.

I can't wrap my mind around how incongruent your behavior has been. You know me, I like to figure things out and I am fairly intuitive. I really believed you loved me and wanted me. Despite the obvious reality of your beauty and goodness, once you gave into your feelings, everything you said and did was genuine and confirmed you cared. How did this change so quickly?

I am so sorry I cut my finger at my party. I should have been more careful. I should have known better. And after I shouldn't have given you so much space to think, I should have pressed harder to resolve the heavy silence between us.

My stomach is upset now from the flight turbulence. I still remember you describing what you do if there was a mechanical problem with the plane and I was in danger. You had options for every situation, and I felt so secure hearing them.

Thank you for taking care of me. My whole life I took care of Renee. I love her, she is my best friend, but her mothering is lacking. I didn't think I minded, until your care and protectiveness inadvertently exposed her limited efforts. I do know she loves me and Charlie loves me, but the love you gave me during the short time we had together was the most powerful experience of my life.

I have to get myself together. It's been hard writing you this long letter; normally at home I can get distracted away and limit how much I think on you and how much I tell you. Today I am dumping it all and I want you to hear it. I even thank you for listening.

Edward, are you thinking of me, somewhere tonight? You are my star in the sky, the only star I can see, and despite everything, your brightness hasn't stopped shining.

Bella

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	7. Chapter 7

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to "Twilight".

Dear Edward,

Jacksonville is bright and sunny and just the distraction I needed. I know, who am I kidding? There is some comfort, though, to know, for sure you are not here. Sometimes, at home, I still wonder if you are someplace nearby, you feel close to me and it's not just the shadow of you and our time together. Here, all is fresh and different. Renee is pressing me non-stop to move in, this must be hers and Charlie's way of having a move here be "my idea".

Despite these irritations, I am trying to relax, to not think of you, to breathe again.

Jacob came to my mind today, the memory of his radiant smile momentarily eclipsing the pain in my heart. I am glad he is not here, though, I feel all too vulnerable to the machinations of Charlie and Billy…perhaps I would consider taking comfort from him now. I would not want to be so selfish and yet I need something…

Where are you, Edward? How can you be gone? I still can't wrap my mind around it.

I've been participating in non-stop activities with Renee and Phil. Yesterday we went motor-boating and Renee para-sailed. I didn't even attempt such a feat, knowing my capacity for injury and danger. Today I did try deep sea-diving. I felt lost in the colors, the shimmering light across the water's surface, the never-ending stream of fish, the unknown predators lurking near me….lost in this secret world beneath the surface. In some ways it felt representative of my life…my life with you….its brilliance unparalleled, the sense of time stopping and the constant danger surrounding me. This danger cost me you. At times I see that with clarity and understanding and wonder if you really are just trying to protect me; other times I feel caught in the memory of your sudden, dismissive demeanor and minimization of all we meant to each other and the idea of your protecting me seems outlandish.

I think of the certainty and unadulterated joy I felt at the thought of _forever _with you. That is what I wanted and yet I don't even have right now! How could you do this to me, to us? What am I going to do?

It's not only you that I miss. You took my second family from me. Where is Alice? I miss her so much. Her spirit and enthusiasm brought me out of my darkest moments. I would not even mind the inevitable shopping expeditions, I just would be happy to see her. Where are Esme and Carlisle? Their kindness is warmth in my heart. I'm not really missing Rosalie or Jasper at this point, but Emmett's jokes seem more precious, despite their stupidity. Alice was my best friend, Edward, and you were my soul mate.

Tomorrow I am leaving Jacksonville. Renee is continuing the pressure tonight and writing in here is the only thing that is keeping me centered, if that's what this is. I am holed up in the bathroom, pretending to be sick to my stomach, just to have some time alone and silence from her desperate arguments. I want to go home. It hurts to be there, but I belong there now. No matter what may transpire now, my life has taken a different path, and I can't go back.

Maybe you came to my window while I was gone. I smelled your jacket tonight; your scent is fading. If I am gone and you come by, please come back, please stay. I am sorry for what happened, I would change it if I could, just give me a chance. I can be careful.

Charlie said that "Carrot" was missing me. He has been sleeping on my pillow, just waiting for my return. I will return to him. He may be a small and insignificant creature, in some people's eyes, but he has given me love and comfort, and I am grateful.

As I continue to write this long letter and negotiate the many interruptions and pressures, Jacob called again, and I decided I will see him when I return. Does that matter to you? Once it would have. I know I said I wouldn't be selfish, but tonight I am feeling sorry for myself and seeing Jacob seems really important, no matter what the cost.

Good night, Edward, wherever you are.

Bella


	8. Chapter 8

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to "Twilight".

Dear Edward,

Today I am pretending that all is fine. Charlie won't let up the pressure on me, and my visit to Jacksonville only delayed it. He and Renee were up late talking about me, and I don't want them to start discussing "a move" again. So I am making a concerted effort to tuck you away to the back corners of my mind in hopes you can stay there, just while I am around other people.

As you can see from these letters, apparently I don't want to tuck you away from me; I want to revel in my despair because it is all I have left of you. As I am brushing my hair and practicing my acting skills in the mirror, I can't help but imagine you here, laughing at my feeble efforts, knowing how my face and body betray my thoughts. (Of course I know you initially disagreed on that point.)

I called Jessica this morning and we are going to see some stupid movie tonight. She was shell-shocked to hear from me and extremely reluctant to agree to a get together. I piled on my fake interest and it worked. I am planning to tell Charlie at breakfast.

I am back….I just finished breakfast with Charlie. For a special touch I cooked him an omelet. For months, our breakfasts have consisted of cereal and milk, reserving my cooking efforts for simple dinners for him. A hot breakfast shocked him and when I related my movie plans, his jaw visibly dropped. Good! See, I can pull this off!

I will write again in a few minutes, I am off to school.

I am back…I'm in English class and using the time to update you on my many theatrics. It is apparent how detached I have become and what an alien everyone thinks I am, no one will talk with me. I am going to have to up my efforts; this will never do.

It's now the end of the day and soon Jessica and I are leaving. You said you are not the only dangerous thing out there, and I remember all too well what happened on my last shopping trip with Jessica and Angela, but right now I don't care. I don't want to keep my promise to you. How could you care about Charlie or any promises? Your desertion reneges them, and I am glad. I know I am silly, acting out, just wanting you to get mad enough to come back….to have Alice see and make you return. But I am not even sure you would. I don't know what to think. We'll see if I am here to finish this letter. I know it's a lame, passive-aggressive threat, but I have nothing left to lose.

I am back….and something happened! You were there, amazingly so. I heard your voice, clear as day, your growl, your frustration, your anger….your actual worry. I know it must be a figment of my imagination, my impending psychosis, I must be finally losing it, but you still were there! For the first time in a long time, you were with me, and I can't forget it. I want it, I want you. How can I bring you to me again?

Some men tried to pick up on me, pressuring me to spend time with them, no doubt, thoughts of sexual possibilities emerging, perhaps even violence, echoing our fateful union of days past. Can I tell you again how grateful I was you were there that day? I stepped towards them, I don't even really know why, I guess more of my acting out. Then, in shock and joy, there was the clear sound of your voice! Edward, how did this happen? It seemed multiple realities, things, were all happening at the same time. There was the immediate danger, I suppose, my obvious internal struggle, and the deep, abiding happiness of your memory or presence. Were you there? Could I have imagined it? Somehow did I hear you from a dark alley? I guess I stepped forth in hopes it would bring you around the corner again, a rewind to a brighter episode for us. Or did I conjure this experience? No matter what, my mind and my spirit recall you in every fine detail and I cling to their specificity. I was so worried I would lose those precise details…and I didn't. In fact, somehow you were with me after all.

Thank you, Edward.

Bella

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	9. Chapter 9

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to "Twilight".

Dear Edward,

It's been days since I heard your voice, if that's what it was. I keep trying to understand how it could have happened…what happened? Were you there? I can't reconcile it. Or am I finally going off the deep end? I always heard you can't be crazy if you wonder if you're crazy, but that doesn't make sense….to be wondering about being crazy and feeling crazy while wondering just is crazy. Ok, I want to scratch that part out. I am rambling and nonsensical now. It was wonderful to have you with me, Edward. After all my pretending that day, it was the only real thing, I know it, I felt it. It's like I finally woke up after all of this time. I am awake now, and still my living, breathing, and consciousness all are tied to you. As disturbing as that sounds, somehow it gives me peace to acknowledge it. I have acceptance. I will always love you and that will not change. I have been fighting this fact, full of anger, remorse, grief, and overwhelming pain, all of the stages of grief and loss. I have tried to move on and forget you as a way to heal my heart. None of it has worked. I have decided now that I will not lose you. You may be gone, you may not want me anymore, but I will always want you, and the stability and constancy of that desire comfort me. I can control what I want, even if you are a wisp of a dream I can no longer grasp.

I called Jacob tonight and am seeing him tomorrow. Calling him definitely was part of my rebellious grief. I'm still going to see him, though. I have to try to avoid wondering or caring how you might feel about him; that will be the hard part…releasing my need and desire for you to want and love me. I may have decided I will never get over you, but I am not sure I can get over your not wanting me.

I'll write again tomorrow after I see Jacob….so I will pause this with a kiss. Can you smell the imprint of my breath on the page? Sometimes I still can smell your rich, delicious scent. Your lovely shirt you forgot has finally lost its trace of you. Carrot has resorted to sleeping on it, which is quite amusing. By the way, I don't think she likes me writing you so often. Every time I start writing, of course the tears start flowing, and she promptly plops down on my paper as a means of interrupting my tears.

I'm back….and Edward, it happened again…..how?!!!! How can I hear you and feel you close by? Jacob and I were riding in my truck and a car narrowly swiped us. I could hear, clear as day, your voice entreating me to, "Hold on, duck your head!" Jacob steered the car quickly to the side of the road, and moments later the owner of that truck turned around and threw beer cans at us; one of them crashed on the window next to me and cracked the glass. My face was averted, though, and I didn't get hurt….all because of you. You still protected me. Thank you, Edward. How did you do it? Did Alice help you? Were you there? Were you there, Edward?

Jacob apologized over and over, thinking he caused all of this with his choice to pull to the side of the road. I have to tell you that I hugged him tonight. His worry and concern overshadowed my reluctance to touch him and give him the illusion of hope. His warmth brought me comfort, though, and I clung to him like a child. I must confess I even closed my eyes and pictured you holding me, rocking me with your strong, cold arms wrapped tightly around me. I inadvertently responded to Jacob and his tightened grip hurt my ribs. I quickly broke away, then, and made a joke to cover what happened.

My ribs are bruised, though, and I took a long, hot bath to relax my mind and the ache in my side. I am curled up in bed now and Carrot is snuggling up to me as I write you. Luckily, she is contented, for the moment, to sit by my side and not interrupt this letter. She is my constant bed companion now, not you.

Good night, Edward, please come be with me again. Right now I feel you are my "Catherine" and I am "Heathcliff", desperately searching the dark abyss of the moors to find you and bring you home. Will you come home?

Love,

Bella

**Please review—please keep the reviews coming. Thank you!**


	10. Chapter 10

This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to "Twilight".

Dear Edward,

I woke up this morning feeling the events yesterday were surreal. How could you have protected me? How was it your voice I heard so clearly? It feels like a dream, one from which I don't want to wake. My being in danger somehow brings you to me. I noticed it the first time and stupidly, foolishly thought about bringing danger to myself, to bring you to me as well. You always said I was a magnet for danger. If I attracted you, how bad could that be? I know I promised you I would take care of myself. But as I told you before, I don't plan to uphold that promise, it is not a way to honor you; it feels only a way to decrease your guilt and keep me from doing what I want to do.

Yes, my rebellious grief is in full force this morning. My ribs are aching and I am in a foul mood. Last night I felt so resolute, determined, and just comforted by your presence in whatever form I had it, but today, perhaps waking from this dream or reality, I am back to feeling angry. Carrot is skirting out of my way to hide in the closet, which makes me feel even worse.

Right now I just have to get out of this house. Yes, I am going to see Jacob again. You said you can get "distracted." He will be my distraction…Does that matter to you? This is my selfishness, that I would use Jacob so deliberately. I do care about him, he does bring me momentary ease, but he is not you. Apparently everything is about you, and my obsession leads me to bypass all values and boundaries. I should feel sorry for Jacob, but my selfishness doesn't even allow me that feeling of remorse. I did try to tell him yesterday and he then ignored what I said, out of his selfishness, I am afraid, for me. What is happening? Where is this going to end? I'll be back later.

Ok, I'm back. To some degree, I've pinpointed well how to bring you to me; it has become to some extent predictable. Riding my bike again today caused you to materialize, and subsequently my emotional roller-coaster knows no bounds. And yet knowing how predictable this can be, I still am missing you more than ever, recovering from the aftermath of hearing your voice, having you near me, if only in my mind. Deep down I know it was not a dream. I know I was lucid, for despite my pain I am sane and conscious of it. I am not undone.

I do wish you were protecting me, watching over me, and staying close. There are moments when I do believe this is happening. When I was in the car with Jacob, somehow you did know to warn me right at the moment needed. That was different from any predictable danger of riding my motorcycle. Can you explain this to me? Are you here somewhere? Please come to me.

I feel so torn, Edward. I am hurting tonight, emotionally and physically. The pain in my ribs from Jacob's embrace yesterday is a constant reminder of how you would never hurt me that way. Your every thought was to take care of and protect me. I saw your face after James broke me. I saw your pride at having defeated the bloodlust in the very midst of experiencing it. And yet you are not here…you have become the one hurting me right now. I know what you said to me, I did believe it, part of me still does, but another part of me somehow hopes that it isn't true. I couldn't have imagined our connection, our love. It was like I was made for you and you were made for me, a fairy tale coming true, my deepest longings and needs fulfilled. You were exactly what I needed and wanted, even when I didn't know how much I needed you.

I think back over my life, random images of taking care of Renee, spending time with friends, all of these are good things, and for the most part happy memories. Even the sad or the painful ones seem mute and dull in recollection. I came alive when you became a part of my life…your presence magnifying every happiness, every subsequent loss or pain shocking in its fortitude. I opened myself up to the joy and despair of life with you. I took that risk and cherished every moment of it. No matter how drawn I felt to you and how mesmerizing your presence was, I made a free choice. You once told me I made such a change in your life, that your life was forever altered. I am indulging in this grief now because it is the only thing that binds me to you. Being mad at you, imploring your return all keep me steadfast on this goal. I am obsessed, some would say, but who wouldn't be? If you were given the most previous gift in life and it was…GONE…wouldn't you want it back? Wouldn't you do anything to keep it near you, even just for a moment? I feel I am crawling in a desert, in the heat of the day, famished and thirsting for even your mirage.

I don't know how to move on from you. You know I don't want to choose to leave YOU. But I realized today that I am at an impasse. I am taking risks I shouldn't and continuing to draw Jacob into a friendship that holds no real hope for him. Staying in Forks is all I have wanted since the moment I knew you, but maybe the only way forward now is to leave. I don't want to visit Renee again. I don't really know what I want. I am in full form as the teenager that I am.

Tonight I have spent hours on the Internet, scouring college programs, trying to figure out how to graduate now and leave now, and as I write this the absurdity of such a plan is obvious. But at least it is something. My life is drawing to a close here, ties are broken, and time is passing. It is probably just a blip of time in your long life, you always said time would pass in this way for me; but you can't know how time is passing, both fast and slow, rapid and creaking, every moment heightened and haunted by your absence.

I hope I can sleep tonight. Carrot has forgiven me for my earlier emotional tirade, attempted to round me up for sleep, and finally settled on my pillow, patiently waiting for me. The moon is full and bright, the air bitingly crisp. I just grabbed an extra blanket from the hall closet and even a little fleece one I tucked around Carrot.

Just so you know...we are going to sleep with the window open. You are invited to visit. If anyone else –or thing- does, well, that is the risk I will take...for you.

You are still welcome, still wanted, Edward, please come home.

Love,

Bella

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	11. Chapter 11

**This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to "Twilight".**

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Dear Edward,

Time is passing, slowly, slowly. Each moment is a lingering drop that echoes the soft rain outside my window. Moments became hours, hours become days, days become months, and now months are becoming years. It's been over a year and you are gone, gone, gone.

I am leaving now, forging my way forward without you. I waited, yearned, hoped desperately for your return. I still sense your presence here and have thwarted the supernatural more than once these past months, but that's another story. I need to leave. But somehow no matter how far I go, I know I can't leave you and the joy and pain of that are unceasing. I don't want you to go, I don't want to go, yet I must. I am a shell wasting away, pretending in this fragmented life. As these moments…months…have passed, I have perfected my acting skills; you Cullens thought your acting skills as "humans" worked so well, you should see me now! Charlie, Renee, and even Jacob believe I am OVER you, that you are forgotten, a wisp of "young love", not knowing, really, that you are locked, deep away, in the most precious, tender part of my heart and who I am. That part of me is gone now, shielded, protected, cradled in its grief, as it remains irrevocably linked to you. Flitting memories, feelings, and smells surround and encompass me continuously, it is not easier, for who could forget you, Edward? But I have survived and I even relish this pain, as my HUNGER for you does not abate. As much as you stated the irrevocability of a "vampire's affections" and yet still left me, I always have known and never questioned exactly what you mean to me.

You might be interested to know that despite my acting…my shell of a life…I have lived some, too. I am growing up, still young enough to think of it that way, but I do see the change. I graduated high school earlier this week and even happily shared my college acceptance letters yet again with Charlie and Renee. They believe I am going to Arizona State University this fall, for sun, desert, and literature studies. I may even go there. I do know I am leaving HERE.

The truth of it is I have things to do now, to investigate, to discover….supernatural things, Edward. You see, I really can't stay away. You may have left me, but I now know you are not the only supernatural creature out there…and I can't help but want to see more of all of it. "Curiosity killed the cat", I know. Maybe this will kill me, but I feel alive when I discover and connect with the larger world I –and we- inhabit. Renee and Charlie are going through life two-dimensionally, so to speak. You helped me see and name the other dimensions and I can't return to this previous world; even if I wanted to, the gateways inevitably open and swallow me. I have stopped resisting and instead I have started honing my intuition and "second sight" (human "gifts" if you will). If nothing else, you confirmed these "gifts" when you affirmed you were something OTHER. I just am a small and vulnerable human girl, but I want to feel alive and keep connecting in some way with the world you navigate. I look at my kitty Carrot and see the small, fierce, and loving creature she is. Sometimes I cringe and fear her looming mortality, yet still admire her spirit. I wish you could see me this way, Edward; that somehow seems better than the cold, harsh words with which you left me. But my spirit is strong.

You may be gone, but I will go on my own terms, too. And right now I have strange and frightening creatures to find, maybe some deserts to roam, and some vampires to recognize and werewolves to befriend along the way.

I miss you. I can't keep waiting here for you and I can't really picture how we will find each other now, in my new life, even if you did want that. Perhaps Alice will lead the way? I like to think she can see me, and that I might see her.

I "see" you now in my mind's eye; you still are beautiful and bright.

Love,

Your Bella

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**A/N: I have enjoyed dabbling in this story and thank those who have read and reviewed it. I don't know if I will continue these "dabblings" or not, but I do appreciate those who in particular have shared enthusiasm for them.**


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